I don't know you. The only thing I know about you is, you're reading
this. I don't know if your happy or not; I don't know whether you're
young or not. I sort of hope you're young and sad. If you're old and
happy, I can imagine that you'll smile to yourself when you hear me
going, he broke my heart. You'll remember someone who broke your heart,
and you'll think to yourself, Oh yes, i remember how that feels. But you
can't, you smug old git. Oh you'll remember feeling sort of pleasantly
sad. You might remember listening to music and eating chocolates in your
room, or walking along the embankment on your own, wrapped up in a coat
and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember how with every
mouthful of food it felt like you were biting into your own stomach? Can
you remember the taste of liquor as it came back up and into the toilet
bowl? Can you remember dreaming every night that you were still
together, that he was talking to you gently and touching you, so that
every morning when you woke up you had to go through it all over again?
I
love sleeping with him and cuddling. I love everything about him, and
always hoped he loved me as much. Sometimes I am not sure.
I heard someone said it was love at first sight. I don't really
believe in love at first sight but I have to admit, the first time I saw
him there was like a virtual chemical tsunami inside me. It all
happened a year ago but I can still remember that exact same feeling. I
can replay it on my mind with so much detail [Sept. 8, 2012 7:35pm].
There are those times when he was on his way out of the door, I'd rush
to him and hug him saying, "let me hug you for 1 minute please, with
puppy eyes. Then after that I ask for another 10 seconds." I am
literally smiling while remembering and putting that on my draft.
I have a great respect for this guy and for the first time considered
someone in my future. I am determined to be better because I want to be
the best girl for him. I want him to be proud of me and be worthy of
him.
Thinking of the past few weeks. They had been hard.
It was as though he had taken back not only the dream he had offered me but my hope that things would ever be different in any life. If he had beaten me with his fist, he couldn't have caused me more pain.
I thought what we had was real. That our love
for each other was forever. Despite several attempts at patching up, he
still didn't want me back. But what can I do? I was just a girl in love.
I haven't moved on until now. I love him very much. Just thinking about
our past makes my life miserable. Everything I do gets affected, Why
can't he love me the way I love him? Am I that unlovable that he can't
see something good in me? I feel like giving up.
I raised a lot of question. Questions that can be answered best by
accepting the fact that we cannot control other people. Humans are free
moral beings. I can't just grab his collar and command him to love me.
Love is voluntary.
It was love that made me believe that he loved me. It was also love that break my heart. Truth be told, I'm still hurting. Not for what I lost but for what I missed.
More important than the pain, however, is the fact that there is hope
after grief. No matter how great my grief, it will be cushioned by an
accepting attitude. Acceptance of what? Of truths and realities of life.
Life is an outcome of choices made. We decide how to run our lives and their endings are solely our choices.
I couldn't begin to articulate it at the time but I understand that
truth even before everything was over. I knew I had to forgive myself,
accept what happened and move on. Until I will, there was no escaping
the hold he had on my life. The refusal to do so always meant that I
hold on to all my pain, my shame, myself-pity. And it will not, until I
will that real healing would even begin. In the end I will be the one
who gained.
Though love doesn't always work the way we want, it always have its returns.
I loved him in the amorous sense of the word. Now I can love him in the truest sense - absence of hate or ill will, praying for and continued goodness to him.
Sometimes fate ushers some people out, and when we least expect it, others enter.
I just have to believe that things will continue to be good from now on. My life is just beginning.
